At Grammy Awards 2011: Eminem, Lady GaGa and Esperanza Spalding
For Esperanza Spalding, the jazz bassist-singer named Best New Artist at Sunday’s Grammys (much to the shock of Justin Bieber fans, some of whom attacked Spalding’s Wikipedia page in protest), As the hallways of our nation’s junior highs slowly fill with rancid blood tears, it’s obvious that something went horribly wrong last night—namely the awarding of a Grammy for Best New Artist to jazz musician Esperanza Spalding over Justin Bieber. The Recording Academy, having apparently missed the thesis statement of Never Say Never, never-ed all over Bieber’s hopes at winning the small token of recognition that might have finally validated his career choice in favor of recognizing jazz, which no one even listens to and doesn’t have a 3-D movie. Within seconds of Spalding crushing Justin Bieber’s windpipe, laughing cruelly in the face of his audience, and screaming, “Fuck you, Justin Bieber fans! Your devotion means you are stupid and your enemies are right to laugh at you”—metaphorically speaking—Twitter was engulfed by a riot of anti-Spalding sentiment that soon spilled over into the fiercest act of revenge at our 21st-century disposal: attacking her Wikipedia page.
THE BILLBOARD ANALYSIS: In an absolute stunner, eccentric jazz artist Esperanza Spalding bested pop star Justin Bieber, rising rap artist Drake, U.K. folk act Mumford & Sons and indie rockers Florence & the Machine to become the 13th female solo artist to win the Best New Artist award in the last 18 years. The experts believed that Bieber fever was too powerful to be denied, while 39% of fans thought that Drake would accept the trophy -- only a tiny 1.7% of voters foresaw a Spalding win.
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