So The Grammys Were Handed Out Last Night …

Look, I’ll be honest here: I actually have an entire screed I want to
tack on here, but before I do that, let’s get to the list of last
night’s Grammy award winners because hey–good for them–am I right?

Record of the Year: Sam Smith “Stay With Me (Darkchild Version)“

Song of the Year: Sam Smith “Stay With Me (Darkchild Version)“

Album of the Year: Beck Morning Phase

Best New Artist: Sam Smith

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: A Great Big World w/ Christina Aguilera “Say Something”

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album: Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga Cheek To Cheek

Best Pop Solo Performance: Pharrell Williams “Happy”

Best Pop Vocal Album: Sam Smith In The Lonely Hour

Best Rock Performance: Jack White “Lazaretto”

Best Rock Album: Beck Morning Phase

Best Rock Song: Paramore “Ain’t It Fun”

Best Alternative Rock Album: St. Vincent St. Vincent

Best Metal Performance: Tenacious D “The Last In Line”

Best Rap Performance: Kendrick Lamar “I“

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Eminem Featuring Rihanna “Monster”

Best Rap Song: Kendrick Lamar “I”

Best Rap Album: Eminem The Marshall Mathers LP2

Best R&B Performance: Beyoncé Featuring Jay Z “Drunk In Love”

Best R&B Song: Beyoncé Featuring Jay Z “Drunk In Love”

Best Urban Contemporary Album: Pharrell Williams Girl

Best Music Video: Pharrell Williams “Happy”

You get the gist of things. Anyway, now for my bit: Remember how last night, Kanye West almost went up onstage because Morning Phase won album of the year? And then he went on that big bitch-and-moan fest
about REAL ARTISTS and how they should be respected? And then Twitter
jumped in with the “WHO’S THIS BECK PERSON?” stuff? Well, here’s my
piece: None of this actually matters, so relax. Seriously, celebrities
are basically just imaginary friends for adults. And I should know! I
write about them! All that happened last night was that your imaginary
friend didn’t get their pudding. Maybe you like Beyoncé
more than Beck–or vice versa. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because
both parties will still have long, fulfilling, happy lives with or
without the aforementioned pudding, and slinging personal attacks at
someone over pudding is just childish.