insatiable in every sense of the word. She’s insatiable when it comes
to food and has been known to devour two thin-crust chicken club Papa
John’s pizzas in one sitting. She’s insatiable when it comes to drugs;
she dabbled in everything from coke to weed to Oxy to crack during a
three-day binge in her early 20s (she’s currently sober). And of course,
she’s insatiable when it comes to sex, which is both one of her
greatest passions and, as one of the most searched-for adult performers
in the world, her profession.
It makes sense, then, that Insatiable is the title of Akira’s new memoir,
an account of her rise from rebellious New York City private school
student to high-end dominatrix to bona fide porn star. In the book, she
discusses everything from her drug use (she’s smoked crack once, with a
client in her BDSM dungeon) to her short-lived escorting career, to her
suspicion that she might have been molested as a child by one of her
former babysitters.
Yet although Akira’s book deals with such weighty issues, that doesn’t
mean she adheres to the stereotype most people have about the
drug-addicted, abused porn star. She consistently emphasizes her
“normal,” upper-middle-class upbringing and her close relationship with
her parents. Contrary to what most people assume about adult performers,
Akira does porn not because she has no other options, but because she
really, really likes it.
“I’m not ashamed that I’ve worked at an S&M dungeon, stripped,
escorted, or that I currently have sex for money every day,” she writes.
“On the contrary, I’m proud of myself for having the guts to indulge in
my desires.”
Insatiable is, at turns, laugh-out loud funny (the book is
punctuated with naughty haikus, such as “Home from Trader Joe’s/Was it
there for that whole time?/Dried cum on my chin”), poignant (she writes
imaginary letters to her future unborn child and her mother, with whom
she is close but does not discuss her career), and outrageously
politically incorrect, featuring anecdotes about Akira defecating during
an anal scene (she initially thought it was blood, but it turned out to
be the beet salad she’d eaten the night before) and why
African-American performers don’t take their shoes off during sex
scenes.
But above all else, it’s a brutally honest look at one woman’s journey
through the adult industry, which Akira says is the ultimate culmination
of her exhibitionist fantasies. As she puts it in her memoir, every
time she shoots a sex scene, she falls “a little bit in love: Not
necessarily with my partner, but just in general. In love with being
watched. In love with being on display. In love with being the center of
attention, for those precious 35 minutes.”
The Daily Dot spoke with Akira about being an exhibitionist, her
relationship with her parents, race and porn, and whether anal is the
new vaginal sex.
You write at the beginning of the book that you wanted to write
a memoir because you felt there wasn’t a “healthy, honest voice” of
porn. Did you read a lot of porn star memoirs prior to writing your own
book, like Jenna Jameson’s book [the bestseller How to Make Love Like a Porn Star]?
Yeah, I’ve definitely read a few, especially Jenna’s book. I think it’s
too good. But I saw this pattern of really sad stories, and I think
that only represents a small percentage of the industry, even though it
comes off as a large percentage of the industry. And I just wanted
another voice to be heard because there are a lot of girls like me who
had very positive experiences in porn. The girls who are victims of
unfortunate circumstances: that’s definitely very prevalent in porn. But
so is my story.
It seems like a lot of the response to your book so
far has been insisting that that is the norm, though. They see you, who
had this normal, upper middle-class upbringing and finds porn positive
and empowering, and they think you’re more the exception than the rule.
Yeah, I’m kind of obsessed with reading those kinds of comments
(laughs) To me, it’s more offensive than anything when I’m saying one
thing and people are totally just shutting it down and basically saying
I’m in denial, or “come back in 10 years and see how you feel.” A lot of
people have commented that maybe I’m still hiding things, that I’m not
telling myself the truth. First of all, it’s really offensive that
they’re not even entertaining the idea that a woman like me might exist.
And I think that’s more of a reflection on them than on me. What does
it say about them that they can’t even imagine that a woman might be a
sexual human being and an exhibitionist and in porn because she wants to
be doing it? They’d rather think of me as a victim or a drug addict or
whatnot.
One thing that really struck me is that you portray yourself as
a really aggressively sexual person, both on and off-camera. Do you
think that women necessarily need to be aggressively sexual off-camera
to be successful in porn?
I definitely think you need to be a very sexual person, because that’s
just the nature of the job. But personally, for me, I’m not in porn
because I’m so promiscuous or I love sex so much. I mean, I do love sex,
but for me, that’s not the point of doing porn. Porn, for me, is the
ultimate fantasy. I like being on display, I like being on camera, I
like turning people on, I like being a sex object. I like that aspect of
it. Being a porn star is the ultimate fantasy, to me. It’s not like I’m
in porn to meet my needs for sex.
When did you first realize you had that exhibitionist streak?
I can’t pinpoint a time when it started. I remember being in high
school and my ex-boyfriend and I would take pictures of ourselves having
sex on a disposable camera, and we’d go get it developed at the local
Duane Reade. So even then, I was definitely into that idea, and it
turned me on. Honestly, a lot of it has to do with the fact that my
dad’s a photographer. Not that he ever took sexual photos of me, but
I’ve always had that kind of attention on me. And I think that in some
ways I equate that to love.
But women can’t say that, ever. Women can’t say, “I like sex,
but I also like showing off, I’m an exhibitionist, I like turning people
on.” In some ways, admitting that is even more transgressive than a
woman doing porn.
Totally. And I think that’s so messed-up. It wouldn’t be weird for a
guy to say something like that. Every guy wants to be seen as this
macho, alpha male sex icon, but for a girl—even in mainstream Hollywood,
a girl can’t say that’s what she’s in the business for. She had to fall
into it, she had to become a sex icon. Even a girl like Megan Fox or
whatever. If it doesn’t just happen to you, it’s not OK to say that’s
what you’re going for.
You talk pretty openly about your experience with escorting in the book, which is something that a lot of performers in the industry are doing. How do you feel about performers escorting, and how is it different from doing porn?
There are two sides of it. I think prostitution would be a lot safer if
it were legal. I don’t see anything morally wrong with it. Obviously, I
don’t see anything wrong with using your body to make money. But on the
other hand, it does concern me that adult performers do a lot of
escorting because the guys they work with are not tested. I do feel like
a lot of girls escort without condoms, because the first guy that I saw
was pushing for it so hard. He was like, “Hey, I’m tested just like
you, let’s do it without a condom.” And he’d seen so many girls in the
industry that it made me think there were lots of girls in the industry
who were sleeping with you without a condom. So that aspect does
definitely concern me.
My impression is that it’s kind of an open secret in the porn world, but it’s still pretty controversial.
Definitely. In the industry, escorting is definitely a controversial
thing. It’s something a lot of girls do, but they don’t necessarily talk
about it on set. And if a girl does start escorting, you kinda talk
about her behind her back, like, “Oh, I heard she’s doing it.” So it’s
definitely still a little bit taboo, even though I would say half of the
industry does it.
Did you get any blowback for writing about it?
At the time that I did it, I definitely wasn’t so open about it. I
hadn’t made a decision that I was gonna do it on a regular basis. But
once it was done, I was pretty open about it. And the guy I wrote about
is someone most girls in the industry have seen. If anything, the
reaction I’ve been getting is girls texting me and saying, “Hey, was
that so-and-so?” and I’m like, “Yeah.” (Laughs) The thing about the book
is that everyone in the industry knows exactly who I’m talking about,
even though some of the names have been changed, because it’s so
insular. On one hand, you have thousands of girls every day, but the
people that stick around: That’s a pretty small group. I only work with,
like, 20 guys over and over.
In the book, you write about playing a lot of stereotypical
Asian roles. You say you’ve played a masseuse so often you could put it
on your resume. How do you feel about being fetishized in that way?
When I first got into the industry, I hated it. I just hated the
monotony of it. I didn’t feel sexy doing it, I guess you could say. But
over the years, I’ve actually come to embrace it. I think a lot of
people see it as degrading of Asian culture, but I see it as a
celebration. I don’t see anything wrong with fetishizing what I am. I
think if anything, that’s celebrating what’s cool about me. I mean, it’s
not like guys are watching my movies and laughing. They’re watching my
movies and masturbating. That’s, like, the ultimate cultural
celebration.
More generally, do you feel like there’s racism in porn?
There’s definitely a lot of politics involved. But it’s not to the
degree that I think people think. A question I get asked really often
is, when girls start fucking black guys on screen, does that lower her
rate? And that’s absolutely untrue. I don’t know if it was that way at
one point, but really if you’re doing black guys, you’re only making
more money, because now people are hiring you for more jobs. But yeah,
race is a present issue in porn. You’re constantly aware of it, and I
think it’s because we’re categorized so often. Everyone goes into a
certain niche that it’s just something we’re constantly aware of. I’m
Asian, and when I do a scene with a white guy, that’s not considered
interracial. But when I do a scene with a black guy, that’s considered
interracial. Which is the weirdest thing ever. But that’s just the way
it is.
My understanding is that most performers don’t start out doing interracial right off the bat. How did you segue into it?
It’s just another thing you can sell. It’s really strange, but it’s
just like another thing that if you hold out like a year, and when you
first do your first IR scene, you can make a ton of money on that scene.
You’ll get a whole movie to yourself, or a box cover. It’s a marketing
thing. For me, I waited a year into being in porn, and I got a whole
movie out of it, with me in all five scenes.
Why do you think that is? Why do you think there’s still so much weight attached to it?
I don’t know. I think most girls in porn—it’s not like they don’t want
to fuck black guys. But it’s definitely a constant decision to hold out
on it. It’s really weird, ‘cause it’s not like you get more money for
doing your first Asian guy, or your first Hispanic guy. It’s just black.
It’s weird.
I enjoyed your observation about African-American men never
taking their shoes off during scenes. It’s something I’d noticed in porn
as well.
(Laughs) Thank you.
Did you ever find out why that is?
No! I’ll ask them and they’ll all give me the same answer, which is
that they do for traction. But no one gives me an answer that I’m
satisfied with. Like, for traction? We’re on a bed, you know? What kind of traction do you need on a mattress?
Your book is really intensely personal at times: You write
about your struggles with drug addiction, how you think you were
molested when you were a toddler by one of your babysitters. Was there
any one passage that you were like, “Maybe I shouldn’t write about
this?”
There were definitely chapters that were harder to write than others.
There were chapters that took me a month to write, just because it
brought such a negative feeling, and it would ruin my day when I was
writing about it. Definitely the one about my ex who died. That was hard
to write. The Florida one [where she reveals during a hot tub dalliance
that she suspects she was molested] was hard to write. I’d write a
paragraph and leave it alone for three days, then write another and
leave it alone for three days.
That particular one gets commented on a lot, because I think a lot of
people find it very confusing. On one hand, I’m always saying what a
normal background I came from and how I’ve never been raped. But there
is that one moment where I’m like, “Was I?” Maybe I should’ve made it
clear, but when I said that in the book, I was high off my mind on
drugs, and half of it was me talking out of my ass. But another part of
it is, that was a point in my life where I was really searching for
reasons to justify my hypersexuality. I was trying a lot of things out,
like, “Maybe this is why I’m this way,” or “Maybe that’s why I’m that
way.” I needed a reason in me to find out why I am the way I am. Even
while I was writing the book, I still felt that way. I felt so
unsatisfied with the answer: “Oh, I am just this way because I am.” At
that point, I think I was trying that on.
I have no actual basis for thinking my babysitter molested me. I have
no suppressed memories or anything like that. It’s almost unfair of me
to say that, it’s almost like I’m using that to justify or explain my
sexuality. And by the time I ended the book, I felt like maybe I’d find
that answer.
Do you feel like you have?
No, I didn’t find an answer. But at the same time, I don’t feel like I
need an answer anymore. I’m kind of at peace with the fact that I am the
way I am. I think that anxiety came from society needing an answer. I
think being such a sexual person and wanting to do porn, people
definitely demand an answer. No one is satisfied with me being like, “I
had a normal childhood and I grew up this way.” I needed an answer too,
but now I don’t. And I’m OK with it.
You write in the dedication that you don’t want your parents to read the book. Have they, so far?
I don’t think so. (Laughs) I think if they read it, I would know,
because my mom would be calling me asking about a billion things. But
yeah, my parents are proud of me having written the book, but I told
them it’s not a book they’re gonna want to read. I mean, no one wants to
know about their kid’s sex life, whether they’re in porn or not.
But you write this really long [imaginary] letter to your mom
about what you wish you could tell her about your job. There must be
some desire in you to have her understand you and the work you do.
My parents and I have a really close relationship, especially my mom
and I. I’m in L.A., and she’s in New York, and we talk on the phone
every day. But the one thing we can’t really talk about without ending
up in a fight is porn, which to me is really sad. Being so close to my
mom, I wish I could share everything with her. So to me, that letter is
what I wish I could say to my mom. I don’t know that she’ll ever be able
to fully accept it to the point where we can talk about it that
candidly, like in the letter. It makes me sad. It really does. But it’s
like I said—no parent wants to talk to their kid about their sex lives,
and it just so happens that my job is my sex life.
Maybe you could start by giving her the letter.
Maybe. But at the same time, we have such a good relationship that I’m
scared that would make it a not good relationship. Like, right now, we
sweep it under the rug, and as unhealthy as it sounds, it works. And I’m
scared to mess with it. Maybe it’ll change in a year, or maybe even a
week, but right now that’s how it is. It’s unfortunate. I wish I could
share everything with her, but I guess I’m scared to mess with what we
have now.
You write in the book that your dream is to keep doing porn,
but with this book getting so much press, and with your podcast and all,
it seems like you’re sort of on the precipice of achieving mainstream
fame. Is that something you’re interested in at all? Do you ultimately
want to go mainstream, like be a Sasha Grey, like most adult performers
do?
I don’t think that was my goal. My goal was always to do porn. That
might sound strange to a lot of people, but my ultimate goal was to do
porn, live out my fantasy, and it’s so great that I get to capitalize on
that as well. Now, I wouldn’t say the goal is to go mainstream. I
respect Sasha so much, I think she’s taken a great career path, but it’s
not something I’m particularly interested in. Of course, I want my
voice to be heard, I want the book to sell, but it’s not my goal to
leave porn at the cost of something else. I see quite a bit of that
[adult performers going into porn and then trying to go mainstream], and
I think it’s, like, so dumb. If you’re trying to do anything else in
the world, porn is not the stepping stone to it. Like, to anything. I
don’t get that.
So I have to ask you one final question, about this tweet from a
few months ago, where you said something like, “Ass is the new pussy.”
My boyfriend and I have been debating this for weeks, and we’re
wondering: If ass is the new pussy, what’s the new ass?
I guess maybe double anal. (Laughs) But you know what? It’s really
weird, because it’s a very personal thing to say ass is the new pussy.
So I’ve been getting fucked in my pussy for a really long time, and then
I started exploring anal sex, and I started getting obsessed with it.
So for me, ass is the new pussy. It’s like I lost my virginity all over
again, and I was having sex for the first time. And now, I’m back to—I
think pussy is the new ass again.
You think pussy is the new ass again?!? Wow. That changes everything.
Yeah, I think it’s a personal thing. I’m at a point where I still enjoy
anal sex a lot, but I’m like, “Wait a second. Pussy sex is way better.”
But just to clarify: Pussy is the new ass for you personally, not for the culture at large.
I think culturally, ass is still the new pussy. It seems like,
honestly, in porn, if you’re gonna be a really big star, you almost have
to do anal now. It sucks for girls who don’t like anal, but it seems to
be the reality now. Like, when I talk to fans and stuff, they’re always
like, “When is she gonna do anal?” Or if I do a movie with no anal in
it, they’re like “Why didn’t you do anal in this movie?” They’re, like,
obsessed with it. They can’t understand it. So yeah, I think culturally,
ass is still the new pussy.
Photo by Michael Dorausch/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0)
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