I understand that this is a bold statement and that many of you out there love Web MD, myself included. However, time and again, I have gone to the site only to feel panicked and worried by my visit. It has a way of feeding my hypochondria that the medical dictionary my mother keeps in a kitchen cabinet does not.
The first time that Web MD led me astray was when I had mono during my sophomore year of college. They call mono the “kissing disease” because it is supposedly transferred through saliva, however it is also an airborne illness. The “kissing disease” moniker attracted a lot of unnecessary questions regarding who I had been kissing. If you knew me, you knew it was no one because of my relative lack of a social life, as aforementioned in the last blog titled, “It’s Not Me, It’s You.”
My doctor at the time had not treated many people with mono, as it is usually a childhood disease (cooties and all). After receiving my tests back, he panicked in reaction to my “alarmingly low” white blood cell count. He called my mother and told her to take me to Children’s Hospital immediately because they have a better handle on childhood diseases, even though he feared that I may have something more sinister like Lupus or Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. My mother proceeded to have a melt down before she called me to tell me the news. At 20 years old, I had very little idea what either of these things were, so I hit up Web MD. After reading a few articles, I had myself convinced that I had one of these ill fated diseases and was subsequently on my death bed.
So, before heading to the hospital I began making a mental note of my will. I would donate all of my books to the library, my brother could have my room (if my parents hadn’t decided to make it into a shrine), my clothes were a wash and were also to be donated, my movies would go to my friend Rachel because she is the only other person I know that likes “The Skeleton Key“, and my friend Nicole could have whatever CD’s I had accumulated that were not Elton John or Billy Joel.
While waiting in the hospital waiting room, I was forced to wear a surgical mask over my mouth so as not to spread any contagions to the children. Needless to say people couldn’t help but stare and sneakily point at me. Not only was I 20 years old and at Children’s Hospital, but I was wearing a mask. I may as well have had a neon sign over top of me saying something like, “I have the bird flu,” or “This is the beginning of the pandemic of your nightmares, where everyone turns into a zombie.” Five hours later, when I was finally seen by a doctor, they were perplexed as to why I was there. Apparently mono and low white blood cell counts are synonymous.
The second time Web MD led me to believe that I may need to fear for my life was recently. I had been dealing with a pretty nasty sinus infection for a few weeks. I just could not knock it. I heard about a surgery where you could have your sinuses drained and alleviate some of the sinus pressure, gross I know. So, I decided to look up my symptoms on Web MD to see what the possible cures for a sinus infection were. After typing in the symptoms, a few different ailments came up on the screen. Listed as the top possibility for the symptoms I was having was cyanide poisoning.
I felt fairly certain that no one in my house was trying to poison me, but I have always had a sneaking suspicion that my beagle would like to off me and take my position in the family. Just in case her evil plan was being put into action, I checked the history on both computers in our house. To my relief, no one had searched cyanide poisoning. Touché Web MD, you fooled me again.
Other failed diagnoses from Web MD:
Symptoms- Fatigue, weight gain, hair growth, nail growth, and feeling of nausea at the smell of things that you used to like.
Diagnosis- You are a werewolf.
Treatment- Ask someone to shoot you with a silver bullet or have someone shoot the werewolf who bit you with a silver bullet. Those are your only two options.
Symptoms- Loss of appetite, weight loss, irritability, and fever.
Diagnosis- You have scurvy.
Treatment- Drink some orange juice or buy an eye patch and set sea with the pirates. ARR!
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